observations

sometimes kindness goes unappreciated or un-understood or un-accepted. this is a problem i find myself grappling with time and time again. at this very moment i have found that, specifically,  kind words go unappreciated quite easily. people, i have found, do not have the innate ability to see words for what they are, take them in, and respond accordingly. people find the need to turn words around and push them back without a chance of hearing true meaning, avoiding emotional connection at all costs. this frustrates me.

for some reason i have found myself really invested in a person who just has an all or nothing attitude and no ability to reciprocate accordingly. but maybe i just sometimes choose the wrong people to invest myself in. 

this really is not a self loathing blog post, it is more self-realizing. i am not writing it so that the 1.5 people who read it can worry about me or think i am being dramatic i am just writing it so i can figure things out. children make things and remake things in order to make sense of the world i think as adults we need to do that as well and since i am currently enveloped in an overwhelming art project concerning the end of the world i don't have time to make art about kind words being under appreciated. maybe for my next project. 

i also should add that some people are wonderful and i feel lucky a lot of the time these days and there are handfuls of people who do appreciate kindness and do not try to turn it around before it gets too lovely. some people are gracious and thankful and pleasant and a blast to spend time with. i have found that sometimes, at 3am, the perfect thing to do is make banana bread, shove a candle in the center and have a birthday party. good people are around, that makes me feel better about a lot.

in other observational news i need to write a descriptive account of the disposition and social connections of the two children i have been observing at the ECC. being a grad student is weird in that we are given so much less leeway in what we do for written work. these days everything i do is based on an outline or at the very least on guidelines that need to be followed. at different times i feel differently about this whole art of teaching dealy, but over all i feel like i am doing the right thing. 

i need to write. i need to read. i need to paint 10 water color paintings by like... tomorrow night the absolute latest. it's time to work, and time to stop being a ridiculous - procrastinating human being. i also need to eat, but that can wait.